Day One

   My name is Bekki and I have major depressive disorder and panic disorder. I own it. I'm not ashamed of it. I speak about it even though there is a stigma. I'm a very open person and sometimes I find people in the same boat as me and it's a breath of fresh air to realize that I am not alone. It feels good to have a support system and I have found that in unlikely places. Sometimes it feels better to have someone outside your immediate family to talk to.

   Ever since my kidney issue, I have been on a downward spiral and I've never come back up. It's like my body is totally fighting against me. It's physical. Beyond just the depression and lack of joy, the anxiety creates symptoms that are totally life altering. Let me tell you panic attacks and then just constant anxiety that makes your whole body tingle, makes you feel like you can't breath, prevents sleep, makes you sick, makes you dread food is pure hell on earth. I hate when people ask why. Hell, if I could make it go away with willpower, it'd be gone. This has been my life since 1996, fortunately with years between episodes, but apparently my long term med has stopped working, so I am doing a cross taper onto a new med. My anxiety makes me terrified of this because of the risks, but it has to be done. I can't wean off one totally and start another. I tried to do the cross taper recently but stopped due to side effects. After realizing nothing is going to get better without doing something I am back at it again. This time I decided to blog about it as a coping mechanism.

   Day one: Last night I decreased my Lexapro from 20 mg to 15 and started out with 12.5 of Zoloft. I'm supposed to take 25 starting, but my anxiety makes me scared, so I figure I will do a few days at 12.5 to ease in. Despite the new warning about Vistaril with Lexapro together, I took 12.5 of Vistaril last night. I can't deal with the constant waking up in anxiety and even the 1 mg of Klonopin no longer gets me through the night. I got 6 hours of sleep and woke up and then drifted in and out the next two hours with anxiety, but it was honestly better then the other nights where I didn't take the Vistaril.

   So far today I feel fine. Better then yesterday. Probably because my sleep was a little better and my scan is done and was given good news. As of right now, I feel no side effects. Last time, at day 3, my resting pulse was 115. So far so good. Will update how the day goes.